Tuesday, February 25 2014
"Tears are the words the heart can't express"
I wish that there was an end to Endometriosis.
It's hard to write this blog post all optimistic and happy when inside it just hurts.
Tonight a friend called to share the news that she is pregnant and expecting a child in 30 weeks. It is so hard to be happy for her when my heart just aches.
I honestly thought that over the years everytime a friend announced they were pregnant the pain inside would get easier and not ache so much.
I tell myself most days that I have accepted never having a child of my own and I try to convince myself that I have come to terms with it but with reality I don't think I will come to terms with it, or at least not in the forseeable future.
1 in 10 women have endometriosis. I am one of those women.
"It's hard to wait around for something that might never be,
I have dreamed my whole life of being a mother, of showing my child what growing up being loved feels like.
I was first told when I was a teenager that there was a possibility I had Endometriosis but I was told that I was too young and teenagers don't get endometriosis.
For as long as I remember since having my first period when I was 9, that really painful periods were normal as that was all I knew.
It was frustrating when my friends started having their periods and they had 'normal' painless periods and would often acuse me of lying about just how bad mine were.
Mine have always been heavy and painful and required me taking a lot of time off from school or work when they arrived each month as I would be in bed on painkillers.
When I was 11 I started experiencing vomitting and diorreah every time my periods arrived.
When I was 14 I started losing blood from my bowels with each period, and when I was 21 it got that bad that I was losing more blood through my bowels then the 'normal' way.
But the doctors I had kept telling me that it was 'normal' and not to worry.
I wish I had of found the right doctors from early on as when I found my doctor in 2012 at the age of 21 he found via a laporoscopy, cystoscopy and hysteroscopy that I had stage IV endometriosis.
My doctor told me it was one of the most severe cases he had seen in his career and that the damage was so extensive that he had to place me in a medically induced menopause.
I learnt that I had a 15cm endometrioma on my right ovary (which he removed that and the lining of my ovary), a 7cm mass in my pelvic area and another 7cm mass in my uterus. He also told me there were hundreds of 1 and 2cm masses which were removed from all over.
He told me that I wouldn't be able to have a child naturally and because of the extent of the damage to my uterus the likely hood that an egg would attach and hold would be unlikely.
Having gone through a medically induced menopause I have a lot of sympathy for those older women who I have always heard talk about how bad it was. It really made me realise they weren't just old women complaining that menopause is really horrible- because trust me it really is!
My heart aches for my husband who has when we met he was ready to settle down and start a family. He is 11 years older and at the time of meeting was 29. He told me how much he wants to be a dad and being the last male in his blood line and heritage he really would like to pass on his family name as a legacy. I know it sounds very old school but he is good like that.
So for 5 years I have watched him get all clucky over friends babies and hear him say he would like a child, and it makes my heart ache even more as I feel pathetic that I can't give him what naturally a woman should be able to do.
It doesn't help that there aren't many people around us that are understanding or supportive and keep saying things like "it will happen in due course" or "when you stop trying it will happen".
I know it hurts my husband as he tells me it does.
I know there are other options like adopting or fostering which are plans we will take, but it doesn't make it hurt any less that I can't have a child.
IVF isn't really a viable option as we can't afford the gamble and would only work for us if there was a surrogate which I don't feel comfortable accepting. I just feel like I wouldn't be able to repay them this huge favour.
And then there is the whole heridetary condition I have, and I know its only a 50% chance of passing it on, but thats too big of a risk for me. I know how much the FAP has affected my life and I would feel too much guilt if I was the reason my child suffered.
This month is endometriosis awareness month and I will be doing a range of activities to raise awareness. For more information or to get involved check out Endometriosis Australia.