One thing that I am learning more and more each day as I progress through my chemo regime is just how much fatigue I have and how little energy. I am realising the need and importance for energy conservation and working on improving this for myself and hoping to share a blog post to help others too, afterall being chronically sick is exhausting.
Another thing that is exhausting is dealing with the emotional side of living daily with a chronic and terminal illness.
I realised yesterday, that in order to help conserve my energy and to prevent just how exhausted I am feeling today, that I should try and keep my mental breakdowns and panic attacks to a mininum or at least save it for the times that need it most, or best yet to wait until you have all the facts and a confirmation from your primary care physicians before freaking out.
This is what happened yesterday and the lead up to it.
I went for a CT scan of my abdomen for a suspected fluid leaking into my abdominal wall and possibly the reason I had fevers and have been in hospital since Wednesday night. The scan was to also compare my tumour growth and check on the tumours to ensure that those hadn't yet turned septic and were the cause for worry.
The doctors confirmed that either there is a new tumour to the right of my stoma or that it is a cavity that is filling with fluid from my bowel or stomach and needs to be drained. Surgery was discussed but they decided to do an ultrasound on Monday to get a better view of what is going on.
Monday 09.11.15 1PM AEST:
I went for an ultrasound and the radiologist came in and said "that isn't a fluid cavity that is a tumour and without knowing this patients prior history I suspect it is a desmoid tumour". He turns to me and says "I am sorry you have a large tumour 10cm x 11cm".
I left there trying to hold it together as I was hoping it was a fluid cavity as that could be fixed with a surgery and drain, but a new tumour I couldn't handle.
So I broke down I couldn't stop crying and I was freaking out that there is a tumour somehow in between two other tumours and my stoma and where on earth is it fitting and is my stoma going to be okay, will I be okay, does this mean my death is looming nearer than I expected? These were all questions running through my mind then the biggest freak out of all was "I can't die just yet, I am too young".
I was howling (literally) uncontrollably and couldn't stop crying. I needed support I needed someone to tell me I was going to be okay... I called my husband at work and my mum who came and sat with me and brought me a drink and some lollies.
Monday 09.11.15 3PM:
My doctors came in, first my bowel surgeon who was talking to me about my tumours and explaining how sometimes they can die from the inside out when chemo is involved and that the centre is liquid and can become septic.
Then my oncologist and his team came by and he asked what had me so upset. When I told him he replied "I am so sorry for all this upset caused but someone told you the wrong information, you don't have a 'new' tumour you know it is there it is the big ball under your skin at the top of the stoma". I was all confused and said "Wait whaaaaaat?"
He replied "it is new on the scans you've had here at the hospital, but not new on the scans that you had back in August which is why I asked your husband to bring them in, I am so sorry someone told you you had a new 4th tumour but you still only have the three."
My tumour the "new" one. To the left of the image is my belly button, my stomach normally would end there but that is how big the tumour is.. see it resembles a ball!
I felt like the biggest dickhead ever and felt horrible for causing my family further heartache, but my heart was broken as I was told the wrong misinformed information and I hadn't yet seen my primary doctors to have it all confirmed.
They saw how fragile I am and have transferred me over to the private hospital for a few days respite to help me recover, regain my strength and collect my thoughts again.
Lesson learnt... don't freak out until you know all the facts
To my followers that were supporting me yesterday during my freakout, I am so appreciative of your help and sorry for an undue stresses caused for worrying about me... It was not a cry for attention I legit thought I was on the brink of dying (so scary).
Much love to you all x
Tell me in the comments below, a time where you freaked out before knowing all the facts