Friday, May 20 2016
When I talk to a lot of my friends or peers who aren't sick I realise just how different our current life stages are.
I have some friends that are busy planning their weddings (which I am loving being involved as I just love LOVE and weddings and all things happy) but I am at the stage of my life where I am planning my funeral and my list of wishes I want to do before I kick the proverbial bucket... but just because I am planning my funeral doesn't mean I have given up or that I am not being optimistic or ostomistic I should say about my situation.
While I feel a little sad that this is my current reality, I am in no way giving up so please don't tell me that I am.
For me, planning my funeral and writing a bucket list or as I prefer to call it my 'happy list' I feel is somewhat empowering and it makes me feel I have control over my situation, and control is something that is often lacking when you are sick, especially terminal.
Why is it empowering you might ask? Well it is simple really... it means I have control like I said just before, but it also means that when the time comes my family and husband won't be left wondering what I wanted to have done.. and I have seen the arguments over funerals and who organised what or didn't organise and I want to spare my family that extra stress when they are grieving... albeit they will have to make arrangements and finalise the order of things like flowers and food as I don't know when I am going to die (and this is the hard part about planning your funeral). But I am planning on having everything written down and instructed and planned so all they need to do is make a couple of phone calls and order things... I want it to be simple for them and want them to feel stronger that they don't have to make these decisions.
One thing I am struggling with is having my family and friends involved in helping me plan my funeral.. which it will be more a party/memorial service as I plan on being cremated so there won't be a body. But, no one is wanting to help me and I understand it is hard for them but I just wished I could talk openly and be supported without feeling like I am upsetting them. And I don't want them to read this and feel obligated in anyway to talk with me or help me plan, it is just one of the hard things about my situation is that it is hard on those who love me.
I want a party like service where everyone is to wear colours, and I want to find bio-degradable balloons that I can have released, I want bright flowers, I just want it to be bright and bubbly like me and not dim and black and depressing because that isn't me.
I am working on a concept for my funeral called a 'waste free funeral' where things like flowers can be donated to nursing homes or people in hospital doing it tough to make their day brighter, or left over food to be given to homeless shelters or like the balloons I don't want them to impact on the environment. I want to have a great send off but I don't want to hurt the environment or others, so I want to give back where I can and this is my way of doing so.
But please, if I am wanting to talk to you about my funeral and I am all happy and chirpy please just think about what you're about to say as it hurts me when you say things like "well that is too depressing to talk about", or "why are you giving up" because I don't want to do this alone and I am not sad or hurting about this decision... as I keep saying it is making me feel empowered.